


Balance

by peppermint_latte



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Mid-Canon, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Trans Haruhi Fujioka, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21834064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermint_latte/pseuds/peppermint_latte
Summary: Coming out is hard. But Haruhi has already gone through the hardest part, coming out to yourself, now he just needs to figure out how to come out to the host club.
Relationships: Fujioka Haruhi & The Ouran High School Host Club
Comments: 11
Kudos: 232





	Balance

**Author's Note:**

> I personally headcanon show Haruhi as nonbinary, but the idea of writing a transmasculine Haruhi has been bugging me for a while. Haruhi in this isn't strictly binary, but his experience of gender has been somewhat fluid and he's realised he's happy living as a man. This is just a fun AU/what if/headcanon and in no way me trying to make any commentary on the canon of OHSHC.

Haruhi has always known, though it wasn’t until recently that they’d been able to put it into words.

Ever since they joined the Host club and became a host they’ve been forced to think about it in more depth that they’re comfortable with. 

If Haruhi is being honest with himself, he’d been avoiding thinking about his gender at all for a long time because he knows he isn’t a girl.

He’s not necessarily a boy either, though that fits a little better, if anything Haruhi thinks they might be neither, or fluid. 

They’re not really sure, gender has always been a vague concept for them. Being labelled as a girl growing up hadn’t been too bad at first, being a girl was alright. But over time they grew...tired of it, like it was an ill-fitting jacket.

If asked a few months ago, Haruhi would have said that they don’t feel strongly connected to either gender and that they don’t really care how others treat them, but that isn’t entirely true.

Haruhi knows that the world expects him to choose. And if he has to choose between being a girl or being a boy, he’d choose being a boy. It’s much closer to how he feels.

The truth is, these past few months have given Haruhi a new view of his own identity. Before he would have said he was neither, but now he thinks maybe that it  _ changed _ .

He’s pretty sure he’s a boy, or close to it. And maybe it’s only because he’s been living as one, but it does make him feel much more like himself.

So maybe his gender has always been fluid, malleable. And maybe these past months in the club have moulded it into something different.

Haruhi’s thoughts end there as he’s distracted from them, he doesn’t expect anything to come of them, at least not yet. For now he’s a host, and that’s enough for him to put off telling anyone his discovery. They already treat him as a boy, why go through the ordeal of telling any of them.

He should have known that they’d figure it out.

-

Kyoya is the one who notices first.

“I’ve been noticing an increase in your irritation when other host members refer to you as a girl, if you are worried about being discovered don’t be, your debt is nearly paid off and even if the school found out at this point you’d be able to finish paying it off in a few months time as an errand boy.”

Haruhi startles and nearly drops the tea set he’s holding. He glances up at Kyoya, unsure whether to correct his mistaken assumption.

He waits too long to reply. Kyoya meets his eyes.

“Unless that is not the problem?” There’s an undercurrent to the man’s voice, like he knows.

Oh god, he  _ knows _ .

“I-It’s..” Haruhi stutters, internally warring with himself about whether to tell Kyoya.

“You should know, that while changing one’s gender legally is no simple thing in Japan that most of the paperwork can be bypassed for the right price.”

_ Kyoya knows. _

Before Haruhi can formulate a reply Honey bounces over interrupting any further conversation.

By the time the tea party Honey dragged him into is done, Kyoya is nowhere to be seen. 

Haruhi has a lot to think about.

-

Haruhi decides to tell the twins first, since Kyoya knows it will come out eventually. Better each of the club members hears it from him personally. 

He starts with Kaoru. 

They’re walking together between class in a reasonably deserted part of the school, Hikaru is busy doing something host related.

“Kaoru, there’s something I needed to tell you.”

Kaoru stops walking at the serious note in his tone.

“What is it? Is it to do with class? Or the Host Club?” He asks, searching Haruhi’s eyes.

“No, well sort of yes. But…” Haruhi looks down, unable to hold the eye contact.

“I’m a boy.” He says, voice wavering on the word boy.

He looks up at Kaoru after a long moment of silence to see questions swirling in his eyes.

“You don’t have to take the charade that seriously you know, it’s just so you can-” Haruhi interrupts Kaoru attempting to reassure him.

“No it’s not about being a host, I’m  _ really _ a boy. Like-like…” He trails off, frustrated with his own inability to explain his feelings.

“Like your father, like Ranka?” Kaoru offers.

“Yes,  _ no _ . It’s not about how I dress, or a performance. It’s about me, who I am on the inside. I  _ am _ a boy, regardless of my body.” It feels more right than ever, as he says it.

Kaoru stares at him for a long moment, assessing. Haruhi begins to sweat, nerves creeping in.

“Okay, then I guess Hikaru and I will refer to you as such even in private.” Kaoru starts walking in the direction they had originally been heading in the first place.

“Wait that’s it…?” Haruhi asks, having expected more of a fight than that, it couldn’t be that simple right?

The rest of what Kaoru said catches up with him.

“You  _ and _ Hikaru?” He asks, slightly shyly.

“Oh yes, we don’t keep secrets from each other, so I hope you were planning to tell him today.” Kaoru says matter of factly.

Well Haruhi had half expected something like this. He has certainly counted on the fact that telling Hikaru would be easier once Kaoru knew.

“Yeah, would you mind coming with me after our next class so I can tell him then?” Haruhi is feeling a lot more confident after how well this went but would still appreciate the back up.

-

Haruhi tells Hikaru at lunch, with Kaoru by his side he barely feels nervous at all.

Hikaru’s eyes flick between his and Kaoru’s.

“So you finally admitted it, huh.” Is all he says.

“What? You...knew?!” Haruhi’s voice goes a little shrill as he tried to keep his voice down to avoid attracting attention.

“Of course we knew, we were just waiting for you to come out.” Hikaru and Kaoru say in sync.

Haruhi gives Kaoru a sour look.

“You acted like you had no idea! I thought for a minute you weren’t going to believe me!” He whisper shouts.

It hurts, being messed with by the twins. He’s used to their antics of course, but in this case...it  _ matters _ .

“I was pretty sure it was your first time telling anyone in the Host Club, the others haven’t been acting like they know and they’d all be pretty obvious about it,” Kaoru puts his hands in his pockets and rocks back onto his heels, “I wanted your first coming out to be a good one.”

Haruhi’s mouth opens and then closes.

It’s...a sweet thought, and unusually tactful for either of the twins.

“Thank you…” He says quietly to Kaoru.

“I plan to tell the others soon, but please don’t…” He starts, grimacing as he imagines all the ways the twins could accidentally out him.

“Oh don’t worry, we won’t breathe a word of it to the others. But please allow us to be their when you tell Tamaki, I can only imagine his reaction.” The twins said in unison, matching grins.

Haruhi tensed at the reminder that he will eventually have to come out to Tamaki, he’s reserving that for last because he’s pretty sure it won’t go very well.

“Thanks guys, you have no idea how much this means to me.” And he means it, as daunting as coming out is, they’ve made his first experience a little easier.

-

He comes out to Honey and Mori next. He’s lucky to catch the chance to speak to the two of them alone before their first host shift starts one afternoon.

He’s glad he caught them together as well, Mori is so quiet he thinks that alone would make coming out awkward if it were just the two of them.

“Would it be alright if you guys refer to me as a boy all the time, even outside of host activities?” He asks them nervously, eyes on his shoes and neither of their faces.

“Sure Haru-chan! I told Takashi that you were more like a boy than a girl ages ago! I was starting to think that you’d never tell us.” Honey frowns at the end and all Haruhi can do is stare in amazement that another member of the club already knew. And that it was Honey of all people.

“Mitsukuni is right, we’ve seen it in you for months now.” Mori adds.

“Thank you guys, I hadn’t realised that my feelings had been so obvious. I’ve only recently realised that I’m a boy, but I guess it must have been obvious to others for a while now.” He replies.

There isn’t a chance to talk for much longer as the first several girls are soon to arrive. But Haruhi doesn’t feel like there’s much left to be said, Mori and Honey seem to  _ get it _ , the same way that the twins did.

-

That just leaves Tamaki. Something twists uncomfortably in Haruhi’s stomach. He can’t picture this going well, but he has to, everyone else knows. It would be wrong to keep this from him.

That doesn’t make it any easier.

At the end of the shift Kyoya comes over to him.

“If you stay behind for another fifteen minutes the other hosts, Tamaki and myself aside, will have left. Tamaki and I usually use the time to plan. I’ll make myself scarce for a few minutes so you can talk to him alone.” Kyoya walks away without waiting for an answer.

Haruhi swallows, anxiety burning inside him.

He stays behind as the other hosts leave, waiting until he sees Kyoya give him a look and slip out the door.

It’s just him and Tamaki left alone in the room.

“Tamaki-senpai.” He calls out quietly, catching the other man’s attention.

Tamaki looks up at him from where he’d been reading something.

“What is it Haruhi?” He asks, light-hearted tone as always.

Haruhi doesn’t reply immediately, nerves overtaking him. He rubs the back of his neck and looks at the ground.

Tamaki puts his book down and gets up, walking over the Haruhi, stopping just inside his personal space.

“Is something wrong?” He asks softly, tone much more serious than a moment ago.

“I need to tell you something Tamaki-senpai,” Haruhi forces his eyes up from where he’d been looking at the ground and meets Tamaki’s gaze, “But you can’t interrupt or laugh or anything. This is important.” He says the last part quietly.

Tamaki’s hands find his shoulders and squeeze them gently, in reassurance.

“Of course.” He says nothing else, just waiting for Haruhi to speak. 

“For a while now I’ve been thinking. It started when I joined the club, I’ve known for a long time that I’m not really a girl.” Tamaki’s eyes widen and his mouth opens to speak.

“Please let me finish,” He asks, Tamaki nods closing his mouth, expression still one of surprise, “I’ve known since I was little.” He repeats.

“But back then I didn’t know what I was, I just knew I wasn’t a girl. Being a host, having everyone see me as a boy, it’s given me something I never had, an answer to that question. I finally know who I am. I’m not just pretending to be a boy for the sake of paying off my debt, in these past few months of being a host I’ve realised that I actually am a boy.” It’s not the whole truth, Haruhi isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to fully explain himself to any of them, but if they can understand this he thinks it might be enough.

Tamaki stares at him for a long time, his expression shifting from one emotion to the next. Finally he opens his mouth to speak.

“I can’t say that I fully understand, but if you’re sure about this and it makes you happy...I’ll try to for you, Haruhi.” He replies, voice hesitant but honest.

Feelings of gratitude and relief crash through Haruhi and suddenly his eyes are prickling, tears threatening to fall.

“Thank you Tamaki,” He throws his arms around the taller man, “That’s all I could ask for.”

Tamaki is stiff as a board for a moment before relaxing and hugging him back.

As he lets go and steps back, Haruhi thinks that coming out might not have been as bad as he thought after all.

_ Fin _


End file.
